‘My wife is dating a married man. What do I do?’

Discuss your feelings, concerns and expectations with your wife clearly; being open and honest is most important, advises rediffGURU Kanchan Rai.

  • You can post your questions for rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

Are you in love with your co-worker?

Have you recently discovered that your partner has been unfaithful to you?

Maybe your spouse is behaving differently with you and you are not able to understand what might have caused this sudden change of behaviour.

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, relationship coach and founder of Let Us Talk, offers advice on what you can do to stay emotionally and mentally happy.

  • You can post your questions for rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

Anonymous: Hi, I have been married to my love for the last 20 years and have a 15 year old son.
I had a restaurant for 3 years and had got attracted to the executive chef who later became a partner in my restaurant. He is not married.
During these years and from before that my married life had been very depressing.
My husband stays abroad for work and even when he comes we do not gel because we have been living away for too long.
We don’t relate to each other anymore.
We also do not have a sex life during the time I had my restaurant.
The chef knows all about my family and has often visited and partied with my husband too.
We have crossed the line and have still been in love for the last four years.
He is unmarried and is much younger to me but he is fully committed to me. I can’t understand what to do. Please guide.

Hello there. It sounds like you are in a complex and emotionally challenging situation.

Infidelity and emotional involvement with someone outside of your marriage can be difficult to navigate.

Decisions about relationships and marriages are significant and often take time.

Avoid making impulsive decisions and give yourself the time needed to carefully consider your options.

Take into account the impact of your decisions on your son. Children can be profoundly affected by changes in their parents’ relationship. Ensure that any decisions made consider his well-being.

Reflect on what you want for your future.

Do you want to work on your marriage or do you feel that it’s irreparable?

Make decisions based on what aligns with your values and long-term goals.

Assess your relationship with the chef.

Consider the potential consequences of continuing this relationship, especially given your commitment to your husband.

Understand the impact it may have on all parties involved.

Open and honest communication is crucial. If you haven’t already, have a frank conversation with your husband about your feelings, the state of your marriage and any areas that need improvement.

This may be a difficult conversation but it’s an essential step in understanding each other’s perspectives.

All the best.

 

Anonymous: Hi. I am married and it’s our 17th year of marriage. Myself 40 yrs and my wife 37 yrs, we have 2 kids.
I am working abroad and my wife is working near our home in India itself.
Recently my son found that my wife is seeing her senior co-worker who is also married and having 2 kids.
They were sending romantic messages. My son got shocked and immediately informed me and was very furious.
I too got shocked and inquired my wife. She apologised and said that she got attracted and carried away. Also it was just chatting and nothing happened between them.
They were chatting for nearly 7 months. In between that man had visited my home too.
I love my wife a lot and couldn’t believe she betrayed me.
As I am working abroad I couldn’t judge how long and serious this affair was. I couldn’t travel immediately also.
She pleaded and still going to the same job citing her career and for kids life.
I couldn’t sleep and terribly confused as how to handle this and proceed further. I couldn’t share to my family also.

Oh my dear Anonymous, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult situation.

Infidelity can be a painful experience and it’s understandable that you’re feeling confused and hurt.

Dealing with such matters requires careful consideration and communication.

It’s normal to feel a range of emotions such as anger, sadness, confusion and betrayal.

Allow yourself the space to come to terms with what has happened before making any major decision.

Discuss your feelings, concerns and expectations moving forward with your wife clearly; being open and honest is what I feel is most important. Discuss and establish clear boundaries regarding communication with the other person.

Also, you have children; consider how this situation may affect them. It’s essential to provide a stable and supportive environment for them.

Depending on the circumstances, you may want to involve them in the conversation or shield them from the details, depending on their age.

Remember, the decision on how to proceed ultimately rests with you.

Seeking the assistance of a professional counsellor or therapist can be valuable in navigating the complexities of infidelity and rebuilding trust.

It’s crucial to prioritise your emotional well-being and make decisions that align with your values and goals for the future.

 

P: I am 43 year old unmarried male.
I love someone from my childhood and she also loves me but because of her family she agrees and got married to someone else and now she had one 12 year child.
After her marriage I never kept contact with her respecting her decision for her family and assuming that she is living a happy life.
But during Corona-2021 she contacted me and told me about her life where her husband is in relationship with other married woman and is giving everything to that lady as his wife.
She told these to her parents but because of some reason they both discussed and decided to accept it and continue it the way as it is.
She told me that she loves me a lot and doesn’t feel complete without me.
She is honest in her married life but after these incident she doesn’t want to live there but unable to exit because of family condition.
She told me she loves me and need me above all and everything in life she wants me to remain with her like her life partner but because of some compulsion she is not in a condition to give our relationship a NAME in society.
Every time she told me that she love me a lot and says that I am more than anything else in life to her and she does not want to lose me as well.
We shares everything with each other like husband-wife.
I am always there for her and will support her in all respect so that she became happy and lead a healthy life. But sometimes I feel that I shall come out from this as these will further destroy her disturbed life but at times I feel I don’t able to leave her and all I need is that she live a happy life and ready to do anything for these.
What shall I do here? Please guide

Dear P, This is undoubtedly a complex and emotionally challenging situation.

It’s important to approach it with care and consideration for both your feelings and hers.

Reflect on your own feelings and desires.

Consider what you want in a relationship and whether you can realistically achieve those goals in this situation.

Talk to her about your concerns, fears and the impact this situation has on both of you.

Discuss the future and what you both want.

Ensure that you’re on the same page about your expectations and the potential challenges that may arise.

Understand the potential consequences of continuing this relationship.

Consider the impact on her family, your own well-being, and the well-being of any children involved. Be realistic about the challenges you may face.

Consider the long-term implications of the relationship.

If there is no possibility of it evolving into a more conventional partnership and that is something you desire, you may need to evaluate whether continuing the relationship is in your best interest.

Ultimately, the decision you make should align with your values, desires and what you believe is best for your overall well-being.

It may be a difficult decision to make, but taking the time to reflect, communicate and seek guidance can help you navigate this challenging situation.

  • You can post your questions for rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching.
She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston.
She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.

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Opinions expressed herein cannot necessarily provide advice to fit the exact specifics of the issues of the person requesting advice.

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