Add to list for 2021: Shed inhibitions

There are two common threads, I believe, that run through all great relationships — being uninhibited and being inspired.

The first starts with crafting your own approach. When it comes to relationships, we conform, often blindly, to a framework provided by family / friends / peers / society. I say, examine the template and decide what parts to keep and what to change. Start by asking yourself a fundamental question we often go decades, or indeed our entire lives, without asking (and a question I believe one should ask oneself often): what do I want?

If you are single, ask yourself if you are indeed ready to be in a relationship. Even though the pressure to be in one starts in most cases around the age of 25, we all come to this stage at our own pace. Another important questions to ask is, are your reasons for wanting to be with a particular person the right ones? Established criteria of age, education, looks and background are only the most preliminary considerations, of course, as we’ve discussed in this column before.

As for those in a relationship, as soon as you know that you’re in it for the long haul, it’s a good idea to start working out — together — what works for you.

Do you prefer a live-in approach to marriage, or a live-in approach before marriage? A short engagement or a long one? Do you want children, and if so how many? Do you want to be a stay-at-home dad or mom, or do you plan to both work through the child-rearing years?

Allow the answers to evolve through honesty and deliberation, rather than through directives from loved ones who have done it a certain way.

Only you will live your life every day. Optimise for yourself.

Another set of inhibitions to try and shed are your self-limiting beliefs. This is an important step even before you enter into a relationship. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s a good first step for singles. Shedding self-limiting beliefs can alter your dating patterns and success rate. No more thinking that someone is out of your league just because of how they look / speak / earn a living. No more self-censoring what you talk about because you think your interests will bore the other person.

Your self-limiting beliefs can chip away at self-confidence, actually making you seem unattractive and perhaps not genuine. Instead, try to identify your strengths and develop a confidence about them, because there are very few things more attractive than calm, grounded confidence.

For those in a relationship, self-limiting beliefs come in the way of spontaneity and romance. If you want to whisk your partner away in the middle of the weekend, do it. And do it in a way that makes them feel special. Have a thought in your head about why you enjoy being with them? Share it. I recommend that you share all positive thoughts about your partner without any inhibitions.

Now to inspiration. This one is actually so simple. Music, books, movies, real-life couples — you can find inspiration anywhere, if you’re looking for it. When I was single, my go-to song was Celine Dion’s That’s The Way It Is. Every time I heard her sing: “Love comes to those who believe it”, I knew I would get the love I wanted. And I did.

A friend of mine insists that her husband hold her hand as often as possible. She was inspired by a couple who hold hands everywhere — in the car, at the movie theatre, at parties. That couple has been married for over 50 years.

So if you’re making a list for the new year, do make it one in which you strike off inhibitions, add inspiration and find the things that work to get you into the right relationship and keep it vibrant.

Here’s wishing you a love-filled 2021.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [email protected])

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